It's hard to put into words what I want to say but I'm noticing the weight of life more as the years go on. This year the heaviness has come and gone several times. Being able to look back and recognise that while the feeling is uncomfortable, it doesn't stay forever has begun to give me some clarity over it. Almost like when it comes I can allow it the space to visit, knowing that eventually it will pack its bags and leave again.
Strange to think that we become accustomed to the feeling of weight. Wearing the sorrow and carrying the grief around as part of us while our lives continue on. I'd like to think I've never been one to wear a disguise to hide what is under the surface, but maybe I'm getting better at sharing with other people in a way to make them less uncomfortable. I don't know for sure.
Earlier this year I picked up an extra days work at a second school to take my three days part time up to four. Fully aware that I am in a very privileged minority who has the option to work part time and choose my three or four days, I wanted to be sure I was contributing what I could to our family's earnings, not just coasting by on Steve's hard work (my mind, not in any way a reflection on Steve's stance, which, was just the opposite). I was feeling like I had a bit of spare time and thought that one extra day at another school, much closer than my current one, would not add an excessive load and be worth the added income.
Boy was I wrong. The expectation of work (teaching prep to grade 6 in four hours with no scheduled prep time) was immense. At the end of the day, I'm not sure the school would have minded if I just did colouring in with the kids each week and recycled the same lesson for all six periods (grades 5&6 were a composite class for those who noticed a discrepancy in the text there). But I'm a passionate and committed educator who not only wants to deliver meaningful and engaging lessons, but I would be so bored if I recycled anything more than once.
Not only the work load in terms of lessons, but just the sheer amount of effort it takes to get to know 150 student names and personalities is incredibly taxing. Don't get me started on the school systems and all the wonderful paperwork and mandatory training (student protection, code of conduct, cyber safety to name a few) that comes with a new school.
I was doubling up on things I planned at my original school to try to cut down on my planning time, but then I'd need resources that I'd forget at one school when I needed them at another, or at home, or have to make two sets of to be sure I had them on hand for the right class. Definitely not ideal.
In the second last week of term three, I was really feeling that weight, and after an incident at the new school involving some pretty terrible student behaviour, I was done. It took me a week (maybe more) to even talk about the experience without tears. I'm not ashamed of crying, especially when it comes from such a raw experience, but it does make processing, sharing and moving on somewhat difficult.
Yet, God is good. With some very sound advice from other teachers who I was trusting to see the situation clearly when I had lost all confidence in trusting myself, and finally listening to Steve (who had told me it wasn't worth it way back after the second week I was there), I wrote my resignation email. Though I was still somewhat broken, the weight lifted. The last week of school and first week of holidays did a lot to help put me back together, especially Street Camp. Oh, how perfectly timed what that little getaway.
But life continues. I ended up in hospital in the second week of holidays, having some straightforward emergency surgery. Healing of all kinds is a process that takes time and my journey involved daily doctor's visits to change dressings and check the progress. I was surprisingly more ok about missing the first week of school than I would usually have been. Then again, term four is always a much calmer term for me, despite the report card deadlines that loom ever closer.
Second week and I was finally back at work when we had news that again caused me grief; from a number of places. That's not my story to tell, but again the weight sits with me. It reminds me of our broken world, of the way we need to cling to Jesus for hope. When I was younger (oh, how old I sound now! Maybe I'm trying too hard for wisdom?), I feel that the sadness was something that just needed fixing. That all I wanted to do was patch it back up and move on.
But we can't patch everything, and sometimes we can have forward motion even as we carry the cares that try to hold us down. So I'll let the heaviness sit with me. I'll be ok with the grief. There is a time for everything, and if this is one of those times, that's ok. This is surely teaching me something too.
"Consider the birds," Jesus says, "They don't farm or store away for tomorrow, and yet God feeds them. Are you not worth so much more than they?" (Matthew 6:26 Paula paraphrase)
Do I believe this? I do.
Even in the grief of sorrow for people close to me, for people everywhere struggling, I cling to the hope I have of a God who loves us and considers us precious. In our broken and sorrow filled world, I know there is light, and good. Even just writing about Street Camp last month reminded me of all these things.
This may not be a post for everyone to enjoy, but in my desire to be authentic and contain more than just shallow experiences on my blog, which is such a huge a reflection of my life, here it is. Reminding future Paula (and anyone else who needs to hear it) that the grief is not forever and the weight won't last. Love always wins.
