Heavy

It's hard to put into words what I want to say but I'm noticing the weight of life more as the years go on. This year the heaviness has come and gone several times. Being able to look back and recognise that while the feeling is uncomfortable, it doesn't stay forever has begun to give me some clarity over it. Almost like when it comes I can allow it the space to visit, knowing that eventually it will pack its bags and leave again. 

Strange to think that we become accustomed to the feeling of weight. Wearing the sorrow and carrying the grief around as part of us while our lives continue on. I'd like to think I've never been one to wear a disguise to hide what is under the surface, but maybe I'm getting better at sharing with other people in a way to make them less uncomfortable. I don't know for sure. 

Earlier this year I picked up an extra days work at a second school to take my three days part time up to four. Fully aware that I am in a very privileged minority who has the option to work part time and choose my three or four days, I wanted to be sure I was contributing what I could to our family's earnings, not just coasting by on Steve's hard work (my mind, not in any way a reflection on Steve's stance, which, was just the opposite). I was feeling like I had a bit of spare time and thought that one extra day at another school, much closer than my current one, would not add an excessive load and be worth the added income. 

Boy was I wrong. The expectation of work (teaching prep to grade 6 in four hours with no scheduled prep time) was immense. At the end of the day, I'm not sure the school would have minded if I just did colouring in with the kids each week and recycled the same lesson for all six periods (grades 5&6 were a composite class for those who noticed a discrepancy in the text there). But I'm a passionate and committed educator who not only wants to deliver meaningful and engaging lessons, but I would be so bored if I recycled anything more than once. 

Not only the work load in terms of lessons, but just the sheer amount of effort it takes to get to know 150 student names and personalities is incredibly taxing. Don't get me started on the school systems and all the wonderful paperwork and mandatory training (student protection, code of conduct, cyber safety to name a few) that comes with a new school. 

I was doubling up on things I planned at my original school to try to cut down on my planning time, but then I'd need resources that I'd forget at one school when I needed them at another, or at home, or have to make two sets of to be sure I had them on hand for the right class. Definitely not ideal.  

In the second last week of term three, I was really feeling that weight, and after an incident at the new school involving some pretty terrible student behaviour, I was done. It took me a week (maybe more) to even talk about the experience without tears. I'm not ashamed of crying, especially when it comes from such a raw experience, but it does make processing, sharing and moving on somewhat difficult. 

Yet, God is good. With some very sound advice from other teachers who I was trusting to see the situation clearly when I had lost all confidence in trusting myself, and finally listening to Steve (who had told me it wasn't worth it way back after the second week I was there), I wrote my resignation email. Though I was still somewhat broken, the weight lifted. The last week of school and first week of holidays did a lot to help put me back together, especially Street Camp. Oh, how perfectly timed what that little getaway. 

But life continues. I ended up in hospital in the second week of holidays, having some straightforward emergency surgery. Healing of all kinds is a process that takes time and my journey involved daily doctor's visits to change dressings and check the progress. I was surprisingly more ok about missing the first week of school than I would usually have been. Then again, term four is always a much calmer term for me, despite the report card deadlines that loom ever closer. 

Second week and I was finally back at work when we had news that again caused me grief; from a number of places. That's not my story to tell, but again the weight sits with me. It reminds me of our broken world, of the way we need to cling to Jesus for hope. When I was younger (oh, how old I sound now! Maybe I'm trying too hard for wisdom?), I feel that the sadness was something that just needed fixing. That all I wanted to do was patch it back up and move on. 

But we can't patch everything, and sometimes we can have forward motion even as we carry the cares that try to hold us down. So I'll let the heaviness sit with me. I'll be ok with the grief. There is a time for everything, and if this is one of those times, that's ok. This is surely teaching me something too. 

"Consider the birds," Jesus says, "They don't farm or store away for tomorrow, and yet God feeds them. Are you not worth so much more than they?" (Matthew 6:26 Paula paraphrase)

Do I believe this? I do. 

Even in the grief of sorrow for people close to me, for people everywhere struggling, I cling to the hope I have of a God who loves us and considers us precious. In our broken and sorrow filled world, I know there is light, and good. Even just writing about Street Camp last month reminded me of all these things. 

This may not be a post for everyone to enjoy, but in my desire to be authentic and contain more than just shallow experiences on my blog, which is such a huge a reflection of my life, here it is. Reminding future Paula (and anyone else who needs to hear it) that the grief is not forever and the weight won't last. Love always wins. 

Work in the Garden

This post is a little late in appearing, but when I think about it, it makes me so happy, so I'm posting anyway, late or not. 

We officially celebrated our renovation as done in August this year, and then really made it feel like ours by planting all the things in the new garden beds. That happened in September, but you can see in the photos the total lack of a front fence. Our fabulous builders had attached the metal brackets to the retaining walls for us, so all we needed to do was bolt the posts to them and put the fence up. But of course, these things take some time. What a builder could probably knock over in a day and a half was absolutely going to take us a lot longer. 

So we procrastinated for a while. Steve and I weren't too bothered by the lack of front fence, for all it kind of gave the house a somewhat unfinished look. Steve's mum, on the other hand, was missing the privacy that comes with a front fence. Since she was the one living on the bottom floor, with the street view, we started to feel we should actually take care of the situation. 

Steve did some planning, and 3D modelling (because why not?) and more planning. He really thought through everything we would need and did all the research on where to buy what. Wood was ordered and delivered, and we did a couple of extra trips to get the posts and anything else we might conceivably need from Bunnings. We did the posts one Saturday afternoon, and then waited two weeks (there was a huge rainy weekend which cancelled any out door plans) before we continued with the palings. 

Are they still called palings if they run horizontally? I don't know, but that's what we did. This is where our project became really special. I think the girls might have been off playing in the creek, or just reading in the house, (who knows!) but Steve and I just got to work. It was hot, but there was a breeze, and the work wasn't hard. We both settled into a rhythm of working together really quickly. Steve would cut the lengths, I'd be unwrapping the next bundle to be ready. Then I'd take them over and start clamping them up. We'd check the plumbness together, then I'd drill the holes and Steve would take care of the screws. 

It was work, but it was together. While it took time, was hot and we did end up a little sore at the end of it, it wasn't terrible. For me, it was a real picture of what the Bible talks about in Genesis. When God creates Adam and Eve and they are in the garden, they are there together, to work. The work is good, it's not oppressive, tiresome or something to dread. This is what humanity was supposed to be: side by side, working together to look after the beautiful land and animals that God had created. 

And as I worked, side by side with Steve, complimenting each other's strengths and weaknesses to do the work, I honestly felt like I had a glimpse of that. It was pretty special. 

Now the fence is done, and every time I look at it, I'm reminded of what humanity has the potential to be, and the moment that I got to experience a small part of it. 

We had another week with a temporary mail box before installing this one from Bunnings. Getting those numbers up really made it feel done too, even though we still had to lop off the excess post bits that were still sticking up. 

And we have indeed lopped off the post tops, after procrastinating for another couple of weeks - these things take time you know! And wow, do we now feel like the work is done. 

For all that we were very excited by the fancy looking new house we have, I was also a little sad, because if the original owners drove past now, I think they would instantly think: "Oh, they knocked down our house and built a new one," because it's so unrecognisable now. But hopefully, if they take the time to look, they will see that we did indeed keep the original house there, because we love it and for all that we've done to it, it was the beginning of so many memories for us. 

Legacy (or Painting More Things at School)

People often seem confused as to why I volunteer so much at the girls school, or maybe they are confused as to why I enjoy it. I'm not sure. Either way, I'm quick to remind them that I don't do everything, and it just happens that the things I do do, like making sure information is shared via an email or on Facebook, are the visual, easy to see things. So even though it looks like I'm doing a lot, there are loads more people working hard in the background. 

I guess a lot of my motivation is the conviction that God has put us here to work for the good of others, not just ourselves. That contributing to a larger goal is actually something that gives us more purpose than doing things for our own benefit. Also, I want my kids to see me doing these things, so that they learn how to love others in the same way. And if their school needs something done, I don't want to be someone who just grumbles about it. I want to be a part of the solution.

All that said, here's a look at a little project the P&C did this term, which again, I had very little to do with, but I'm proud to be a part of all the same. 

We painted the besser block walls near the hall where the local Community Garden group has their set up. I did lots of the green (because it was the worst paint to deal with, and since I was barely painting, I felt I could handle doing it when I was there). It was designed by, Lis Gillet, one of the Community Garden members who turned out to have design skills. 

And I think it looks fantastic. There was lots of detail, compared with the prep area, so it felt like it was taking a long time, but the results are really beautiful. 

This is the kind of thing I want to leave behind. Doesn't even matter if my name is mentioned at all, but I want to have done something that's made things better, that has helped people move forwards. To have contributed to things that last. Things that change for the good. This is what God wants for us too: positive forward motion, towards love and relationship. Towards faith and hope. 

I'm often overwhelmed by my slow progress, by the way I'm not doing enough, by the weight of a world that is so self-driven and competitive. But this is what I want to be working on, little by little, leaving behind small changes that make the world that little bit brighter for those who come after. 

Get Into the Car

So often lately, I see the fingerprints of God in our every day lives. The way that I try and try to love our daughters with patience and grace gives me glimpses of how God is so relentlessly pursuing us with his love. As with the Cheezel's Moment, this too came unexpectedly; I was getting the girls into the car.

For some back story, if you are new to this blog on the internet, I run a family day care, so my car is usually full of a variety of car seats. The full five-point-harnessed kind, and booster seats. I am so used to installing them and swapping them around because of the variety of kids that I look after through the week.

On this particular day, I'm clipping the girls in, and there are three booster seats in the car (and a five point harness car seat too, though that wasn't an option for them). In the back of the car, there are five seats total, three in the middle and two in the boot. I asked the girls to get in. They usually have "set seats" or at least, certain booster seats that they usually use. On this day, Sophie asked to it in a specific car seat, but her usual booster seat was in another space. So I swapped the booster seats over for her and clipped her in. Not a problem.

It struck me, as I was doing this, that this is what God wants for us. When he created the world, he put humans in and invited them to be a part of the system. He told them to rule over the beasts and the land, within the framework he created. When I ask the girls to get in the car, it doesn't have to be a dictatorship, where they are only allowed one option. They can contribute, and have a say, within the framework. Sure, they still need to clip in (safety first people!), and be in an appropriate seat, but within that, I'm more than happy to allow them to shift things around.

I think it's too easy to think that God made us and we are pawns in a game. Or that we can only do what he wanted. Read it again people. God's desire is for us to partner with him. To have a say, and to be co-rulers. We don't need to fight for control, or tell God, "my way or the highway".  That's not what God is about. The parameters God gives us are for our safety, much like telling the girls they need to wear their seat belts, but within those parameters, well, there is the room to move.

Again and again as I read the bible, I see the times where God meets the people where they are at, and holds their hand and says "yep, I can move that car seat for you". Take Moses at the burning bush. Look at Gideon with the fleece. This isn't people "in control" or "getting what they want", it's God being patient and compassionate with people who don't get it yet, but that he wants to use anyway.

I sincerely hope I'm not coming across as all knowing, or perfect in my parenting. I'm really not either of those things, but I'm just struck by the fact that God invites us time and again into a loving relationship, and I got to see a glimpse of that just by asking my daughters to get into the car.

Cheezel's Moment

It's funny how the simplest things can sometimes have the clearest meanings. I suppose that's part of the reason Jesus taught in parables. The every day moments can reflect some serious wisdom, even when you are not expecting it. This was one of those moments.

The girls were having an early shower one afternoon after they had been playing in the sandpit after school. I knew they were still hungry, and it had been a bit of a long week, heading back to school after the COVID-19 shutdown had kept them at home for the last five. So as a treat, I grabbed out a pack of cheezels and measured out a bowl for each of them (and Steve).

I wandered around munching on what was left in the pack myself and went to check their showering progress. Sometimes they are not the best bathroom buddies, can often get distracted by each other and forget the main purpose of being in the bathroom to begin with. As I entered the first thing they notice is the pack of cheezels.

"Cheezels! Yes! Can we have some?"

As I pop the last one in my mouth, I show them the now empty box. "These are all gone," I say.

"What!? You ate them all! NONE for us!! Not fair!! How could you?"

"Wait a minute," I reply. "Who am I? I'm your mum. And how do I feel about you?"

"You love us," Sophie replies.

"Yes I do. So do you think, I would eat all the cheezels, not leave you any, and that I would do it in front of you?"

"No..."

"Exactly. Have a little faith girls."

And as I said it, I knew it's what God says to us, again and again. So often we see someone else with something that we want, and we complain. Or we are given to dwelling on things we don't have. Or we are worried about not getting enough.

In Exodus 34 God says this about himself:

"The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin."

Compassionate and gracious, abounding in love and faithfulness. Time and time again, the people of Israel choose not to trust, to forget this, to doubt that it might be true. So do we today. So do I.

Even as my girls doubted that I would love them enough to have provided cheezels for them, so I doubt that God might love me enough to make sure I'm provided for too. Not that my life will be roses and sunshine because of how God loves me, or that I will always get everything that I want, but I will absolutely get everything that I need because of his love for me.

So I'm thankful to these girls and their reaction to the cheezel moment that reminded me I also do the same. That I too need to learn and relearn to trust in God. That my first response shouldn't be doubt, but faith.

Watching Musicals

Thanks to COVID-19, you can watch some fabulous Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals for free on YouTube each Friday night. I was mildly interested at first, given that I've already seen a fair few of them actually live, and know most of them very well already.

We missed the first one, which was Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat (each musical is only available for 48 hours) and the second was Jesus Christ Superstar. I've performed the music from that musical in a variety of choirs and school assignments, not to mention studying it a number of times as well. But I'd never seen a full performance.

I was still on the fence, until I found out the production they were showing had Tim Minchin in it. Now I was really interested. I started watching and found it to be so fascinating. They probably intentionally aired it over the Easter long weekend. The source material was fresh in my mind from church.

After I saw the first ten minutes, I asked Steve if he would want to watch it to, and he was willing to give it a go. I get so excited when we watch musicals together. So we started again. I was really impressed at the modernization. It was fantastic. I really got the sense of Jesus' disciples being confused about what kind of Messiah, or savior, Jesus was going to be. They were excited for the revolution, thinking it was going to be a military and social upheaval, when Jesus had a very different revolution in mind.

And I loved seeing Jesus react to his followers, trying to teach them, and help everyone and being simply overwhelmed by the sheer number of people coming to him for healing and help. It really hit home how patient and compassionate he was to have been with God and then come to us in such a limited human way. Amazing.

Anyway, we are watching away and during the scene that Jesus clears out the temple, he smashes a table and tells everyone to get out.

"Missed the 'Brood of vipers' line," Steve comments to me.

"He's supposed to have a whip," I say back. "I'm sad he doesn't have a whip."

"And he's supposed to turn the tables over, not break them." Steve adds. "It's the details they miss. The book was better."

Kills me with laughter even remembering it now. I love being married to Steve.

Resolution Update and COVID-19 Thoughts

Like many people out there, we have joined the ranks of people who are staying home in an attempt to aid the "stop the spread" of COVID-19. The whole thing is unprecedented, at least in my life time. Everything is cancelled. We wash our hands much more than usual. I'm never sure if I'll get everything we need for the weekly shop when I go. In fact, I think I have to go to the shops more now days, simply because panic buying means with things being sold out, you can't get everything the first time. Kind of ironic really. 

Among all the turmoil and crazy, there is life going on though. Steve works from home, the girls still play, our neighbors share what they have, though we now drop it off 1.5m from the door. I'm still trying to keep up with my New Years Resolutions, which is unsurprisingly easier when you don't have anywhere to go on the weekend. 

I've made it two 2 Kings in my bible reading, which, I'll be honest, was pretty tough going. As hard as reading Joshua and Judges is normally, reading them in easy language made it all the more real. People are broken, in so many ways. I know that I've often reflected that without the bad, you don't celebrate the good. Like when you are reading a Roald Dahl book (Matilda, or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are good examples) and the main character experiences some truly horrible stuff at the beginning, but that's what makes you love and cheer for them all the more when they do get to succeed.

So we need to see the state of the world in the Old Testament, the state of the human heart, to fully appreciate our need for Jesus when he shows up in the New Testament. Even so, it was a hard slog this year. Maybe I'm just more emotional as I get older, but it was tough. I am enjoying the Message Version though, and it is refreshing to read, so that's good. 

At the start of March I was in 1 Samuel, and I read this reaction of Samuel's to some pretty bad news:

"Samuel was angry when he heard this.
He prayed his anger and disappointment all through the night."

1 Sam 15:11+12

I love the reminder that we can come to God and share what is on our hearts, including our anger and disappointment. I'd encourage you to read the whole passage (the whole bible really!), because context is everything, but no where does it say that God didn't hear that prayer. No where does God tell people he only wants the "good" stuff. Samuel's prayer of anger and disappointment was just as heard as the times that he praised God, or thanked him. 

This is how I feel about COVID-19. There is anger and disappointment. There is grief and loss. There is confusion and heart break. There is uncertainty. And we don't have to carry it alone. We can be like Samuel and pray through the night, knowing that God is listening. 

I commented to a girlfriend the other day that there are so many people to pray for right now. I am taking heart that God is bigger than this problem, and though I might forget people in my long list, he never will. 

In February, when I was struggling though Judges, I read this verse:

"God took Israel's troubles to heart."

Judges 10:16

Again, context people, don't just take my word for it (although, also don't start in Judges, or at least, that's not my recommendation). I've written it on our white board to remind us daily that God is no only listening, but is feeling our struggle, just as he did in the times of Judges. 

So I'll keep reading, and washing my hands, and praying my heart to God. He is listening, and taking my troubles to heart. 

Love

I feel really awkward writing this post, because it seems like I'm bragging. I'm not. Or, I don't mean to be, even if it comes across that way. I'm not a perfect parent, and this is in no way a "how to get your kids to be amazing" post. Disclaimer done, I'm going to stop beating around the bush, or making excuses in my head now and just get into it.

It hopefully it does not come as a surprise to you that I read my bible. Last year, I read through the New Testament, which was a much slower pace to how I usually read the bible. Because I was reading slower, I got to really think about more things. So, something I did was to write verses I wanted to dwell on in my kitchen.

I just wrote them on the tiles with whiteboard pens, which works perfectly, in case you were wondering. It comes off just fine when you are done. Then, when I was cutting up veggies for dinner or making lunches, there was the bible verse, ready for me to read over. It had the bonus effect of being very visual, so the girls asked what it said.

The first verse that I had up was 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I don't usually enjoy verses that are "cliche" or well known, but I had been listening to a Bible Project podcast on God, and they had pointed out something about love that I found to be revolutionary. Love is a verb. Love is something that happens between two or more people (or things). You can "love" alone. So for the bible to say "God is love", really highlights the idea that God isn't just solitary.

God is Father, Son and Spirit. That perfect union of Father, Son and Spirit together is love. When Jesus talks about knowing the Father and how the Father loves him, it really brings new understanding when you think about it that way. And the invitation of God is to humans, to also be in a relationship with him, and experience that love. Amazing!

So I was thinking about how "God is love" and reflecting on this verse in Corinthians, and up it went on the kitchen tiles for me to learn.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I've heard sermons before when you read the passage and replace the world love with God, because God is love. The next step is to think about how we are supposed to be becoming like Jesus, and so putting our names in where love is. I've never gotten past: "Paula is patient and kind" before, because I know I've failed miserably there.

Anyway, having children, we talk to them all the time about how they can be loving, and this passage, up on the kitchen tiles, was the most practical thing we have ever used on the subject. It's easy to say "love your sister!" or "Be nice to that person", but what does that actually mean, or look like? What does it look like for a five year old? Having this verse was a really hands on and easy to understand way to teach them.

When the girls were getting upset with each other, we could say "are you demanding your own way?" If they were grumbling about not having the same toys, we would talk about how love is not jealous. Most often, we were explicit in expressing how to be patient and kind to each other. How we take turns, and share. How we put others first.

Sophie in particular was keen to memorize the verse, and because kids soak up learning like sponges soak up water, she had most of it in about three days. Even now, she likes to practice writing the first section out every so often.

What really made me excited though, was the day she was trying to explain to one of the younger day care kids that I look after what love was like. There was some altercation between the kids, and Sophie took the little girl by the hand and into the kitchen. She pointed to the verse and said: "Let me teach you how to love. Love is patient and kind. So we need to be patient with our friends. That's how we love them."

I know a lot of it is just parroting the repetition that she's heard from us, but my heart was full. I know we all still have a long way to go before we can love like Jesus, but I am encouraged. Maybe we can even change the world, one little person at a time, by simply resonating on this very idea: to love.

Rachel's Turn

As with Sophie last year, I feel I should make an obligatory post about how Rachel too has joined the ranks of children who attend school. Yep. Rachel is now in Prep. Just like that.

Actually, it was not really something that snuck up on us at all, because from the very first day of holidays, and I mean the very first day, Rachel asked us if it was a school day. Kindy finished on Friday, and Saturday morning she said to me: "Am I going to school today?" Six weeks of holiday is a long time to wait for that first day, but it came none the less. Sophie was also beside herself to know that Rachel was joining her at school.

I hadn't really given it much thought, because I was going to be back at work too. In the swing of things, hitting the ground running and whatever. But by some miracle, and I am indeed crediting God for this, I didn't have any of my day care children starting early that first day. Every one of them came at 9am or later.

Such an amazing blessing, because it did mean so many things. We got to have waffles for breakfast.  I didn't have to juggle trying to hold hands of another three children while also carrying two very heavy boxes of school supplies. We got to take our time finding the new classrooms. I got to give quick goodbye hugs without looking over my shoulder to make sure I didn't have any escapees. So thankful.

Steve did the pick up. Hooray for the first day!

Rachel was so ready. With ten minutes to go till the bell she was asking me: "Can I go into my classroom now?" And she loves it. Making friends, learning new things, already with a deep admiration and love for Sophie's old Prep teacher who is now her Prep teacher. Doing it all with a home made school bag in tow.

And still being uniquely Rachel. Here she is on that very first morning, all ready to go, finding bugs on the deck.

Shine bright little Rachel. May your crazy eyes take in all they can as you discover a new world of education.

Ongoing and Never Ending Reading

I seem to have started a number of posts about reading of late and it seems to be remiss of me not to mention a book that I am always reading. I've read it countless times now, and I'm still going back.

It's The Bible.

Since I committed to following Jesus in 2004, I've read The Bible fairly consistently. Sometimes with a plan, sometimes not. In some seasons of my life, I'm there every day, other times, not so much. I'm still amazed that I can read it and find new things, and that I'll still be learning new things.

The times in my life that I've been doing a quiet time (which is to say, intentionally spending time reading God's word and praying each day), are absolutely the times that I have had the most growth as a person. It seems strange to me that there are times where I prioritize other things above it, and then usually decline, but I'm only human I guess.

After reading The Bible through chronologically (did you know that it's not actually chronological to start with?), in 2012, I had a huge break from reading with any kind of system or routine. I guess that's what having a baby or two will do. In 2017, I completed a "Through the Bible" reading plan with the help of being accountable to a friend and an app that told me what to read each day.

Last year I did a Bible Project reading plan, again, through the whole book in one year. I think I did the Psalms twice actually. If you've never heard of The Bible Project, I can not recommend their videos enough. For beginners or old timers their resources are so fantastic. Go check them out. Do it now.

This year I'm doing another Bible Project reading plan, but this time just the New Testament. It's a lot slower going than I'm used to. If you go through The Bible in a year, you are reading about four chapters of the Old Testament, a Psalm and a chapter of the New Testament a day. Only doing the New Testament means so much less daily reading.

But it's been good, to go slower. To spend more time with Jesus directly. To really think about what he is teaching, and how it is so upside down and counter cultural, both then when he said it, and now today.

Next year I'd like to go through the whole lot again, but read the Message version, which is a different translation of the original. Just to mix it up.

Have you ever read The Bible? It's pretty full on, but has so much to say about the story of a creator God who loves his people, and time and time again, wants to build a relationship with them. It's something that I will read again and again, because I need to be reminded all the time.

This quote that a friend shared a while ago really resonates with me now as I reflect on this:

"Some truths we only need to hear once, and they sear themselves across your soul like a red-hot iron, changing your life forever. 

Other truths we need to hear again and again, like water dripping on a rock, slowly washing away the sediment of lies that keep trying to build up, until finally the lies are forgotten and only the truth remains. 

The Gospel is both kinds of truth."

Living Vicariously Through My Children

There is limited opportunity for adults to dress up in costumes. This is pretty disappointing to say the least. So I'm officially living through my children as I encourage them to dress up any time it might be appropriate. Thus, I have already started making costumes for the girls to wear to our street Halloween party.

Even as I write this though, I'm wondering what my stance on Halloween should be. It's not a typically Australian tradition, nor is it particularly encouraged in Christian circles. To be honest, I don't even know where it came from or what it's really about. Australia seems to be jumping on board with "scary" Halloween, but everything I see from American or European bloggers that I follow has a focus much more on family activities, and fun. Costumes aren't all scary, they are just costumes. Sure, you can be a witch, but you can just as easily be a bunny, or fairy.

Given how much of a global village the world is these days, and how multicultural Australia is, I don't actually have a problem with adopting other culture's celebrations. We celebrate Chinese New Year, why not Halloween? I actually see it as a really cool way to get to know the neighbors more, and build the community in our street.

Anyway, inhibitions about Halloween aside, I'm looking forward to the fun and the costumes. I'm thinking of getting something non-edible to hand out. Maybe stickers? In the mean time, the girls costumes are underway. After all of the Pokemon they have been watching, I may have strongly suggested some trainers from the Alola region episodes. Can you guess who they chose?

Alola Friends: Lillie, Mallow and Lana

Faith is like an Extension

Reflecting on our renovation plans while listening to a podcast on Hebrews by Tim Mackie (it's on the Exploring My Strange Bible podcast, go check it out!) I have drawn the conclusion that there are a number of similarities between getting an extension done, and having faith in Jesus.

Many people think that faith is all about believing in something that you have no evidence for. I'll be honest, that would be nuts. If you've go faith in something, then hopefully, you have seen some evidence. Maybe you haven't seen the fullness of what has been promised, but you've seen some clues, or testimonies that something is going on.

If you were to look at our house right now, and we said; "Come round for Christmas on our deck." you would think we are nuts. There is no deck. But if we showed you the plans for the deck, the emails with the builder, the clothesline that has been moved in preparation for said deck, you would see the evidence of what is to come. Thus you could have faith, that come Christmas, you could have a party with us on our deck.

Jesus says to us that he has eternal life for us. It's a promise. If you don't know Jesus, or haven't seen the plans, you might think this is nuts to believe in. But the evidence is there. We aren't blindly holding on to something that has no documentation. In fact, the claims of Jesus have lots of evidence. We haven't seen the fullness of the promise yet, but we have a strong foundation on which to base our faith.

I am encouraged to know that just like an extension is waiting for our house, so too is an eternity with Jesus, and my faith is based on a ton of evidence.

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Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Love Wins

This post has been hard to write, but I am convicted to get it out. God is teaching me, now more than ever. I am pretty convinced that a lot of my teaching has to do with the fact that I am now a parent. Not to say that God isn't or can't teach people who aren't parents, but it has certainly given me a new perspective and understanding of late. Let me share.

"The Lord observed the extent of human wickedness on the earth, and he saw that everything they thought or imagined was consistently and totally evil. So the Lord was sorry he had ever made them and put them on the earth. It broke his heart." Genesis 6:5&6

Never before had this passage from Genesis ever resonated with me, as much as it did the morning, when my daughter had an absolute shocker of a melt down. It was right after swimming, I had all four children that I usually look after, and all of a sudden, for absolutely no apparent reason (and we still don't know the reason), there it was: a full blown kicking, screaming, scratching, biting, hitting tantrum.

The worst things she could think of to say (with her vocabulary), were said. It's weird to say that I'm glad it was all directed at me, because I was so emotionally, spiritually and physically hurt by it all, but I'm glad none of her anger was aimed at the other kids. 

It was awful. Simply awful. Even now, two weeks on, I'm saddened by the memory. It took her nearly and hour and a half to calm down enough to talk to me.

In the pain of watching all of this unfold, I had a moment where I regretted having children. Gosh that's hard to write and please don't stop reading, because there is so much more. Suddenly, the verse from Genesis 6 came into my mind.

"The Lord regretted making humans. It broke his heart."

And I knew that feeling. I knew what it was to watch someone I love unquestionably, turn and become a monster, and do all they could to hurt me in every way they could think of. I had a glimpse of what it was like for God, that his heart would break at what his people had become. My heart was broken to watch my little girl act so destructively and hatefully towards me, when all I want for her is only the best.

I sat on the swing in the playground with the other children waiting for the tantrum to subside and I wondered what to do. Was I the worst mother in the world to have regretted my children? But even as I thought it, I knew that every parent would have a moment like this, even as God did when he saw his creation in Genesis.

What would I do? I would do what God did. I would look again. I would remind myself that no matter what happens, I am committed to love these children, to fight for them, to teach them, to want the best for them. I want to see the potential they have for love, kindness, generosity and compassion and continue to help these things to grow in them.

At the end of the day: love wins.

Sure, without children I might have had more time to share the gospel with people, more resources to support others in mission work, or go on mission my self, but with these children, God is changing my heart to remind me that love wins. Love won for God, and the story didn't end in Genesis 6 with a sudden flood that finished the world. Love won, and the story keeps going to Jesus. Love won, and the story keeps going for me too.

If you are in the midst of wondering if there is anything good, please know that love wins. God is totally committed to us, to his people, to see us become the amazing compassionate kind and loving people he made us to be. He is committed in a way that I can only glimpse when I look at my own daughters. God is good. Love wins.

In the Making

I'm a little bit excited about what is in the making right now. It's not finished and I don't want to give away too much, but it does include some of my favourite thing to sew. I'm trying to take more progress shots than I usually remember to take, but since I'm working on it predominately at night, the photos are pretty ugly.

Making things is fun though, and I love to see it come together. Some nights I lay it out and I'm daunted by how much there is left to do, and other times I'm spurred on and think it's nearly done.

There is a lot of thinking to do with this project. There are a whole lot of steps that need to happen before other things can be sewn. So far, there have been no mix ups of the order that require unpicking, but I'm really trying to think things through so I don't make any mistakes that do require unpicking. So far so good.

Even though we don't really celebrate the slow, sometimes painful, making process, I'm glad to be in it, because it reminds me that God has me in the making. I've been reflecting on this a fair bit lately. I've been following Jesus for over thirteen years now, and it occurs to me that it's a long road to eternity. The making process is not always easy or glamorous. Not something that we often photograph, but it's a process, and each step is one step closer to that finished product.

So here's to being in the making, and to the fabulous end product I'll have to show you, hopefully soon.

March in Summary

As the end of March draws near, I am more and more aware that I haven't posted this month at all. What's been happening? Has nothing been going on, thus reflected in the low (or should I say, non-existent?) post count? Or is the reality far more positive; I've been doing so much that I haven't had time to post. Not just "doing so much" but rather, "living so much". So I guess it's a good thing if I haven't posted, for that second reason, that is. And in this case, I feel it is true.

March started with four wonderful days away at the coast. Our annual sojourn to the northern beaches, where we enjoyed the sand, sun and splashing in the waves. We visited the Queensland Air Museum, we read books, we played with the kids. So often I just lay and looked up at the sky and thought: "How lucky we are to be alive right now." Thank you God for this rest, and the beauty of the world you have made for us.

Not only that, but to be there with friends, who's kids get to grow up with our girls, is just priceless. We are inexplicably blessed by these guys, and the memories we make every year as our kids grow is indescribable.

Photo credit to Wade.

I've been slogging away on my through my TAFE work and I'm happy to say that the end is near! 160 pages of prac journal plus supporting documents and four hours with Corinne who is an absolute gift from God, and I'm ready to submit that bad boy. Only two supplementary workbooks to go. The goal is to get them done before my parents take off for their next trip around the world, but hopefully I'll knock them over in the holidays. The end is near, I tell you, the end is near!

We have just come back from our church camp. For those playing along at home, we have officially changed churches and now attend St Lucia Bible Church. I was actually moved to tears at the camp to see the people from three different congregations (morning, afternoon and evening) mixing together and, more than that, to see people from all generations having a great time. From old to young. Even now I'm feeling a tightness in my throat as I remember it. This is what God's kingdom is supposed to look like, and I just had a glimpse of it.

Our garden is growing growing growing! Mostly it's pumpkins, but everything else has made it past the obscene heat wave that was January and February and is now thriving as the weather cools off. Herbs, limes, lemons, raspberries, blueberries, mandarins, pumpkins, it's all go! I can't believe this, but we actually have more than one type of pumpkin growing (thanks to the compost), and have pumpkins for the first time! We have had pumpkin vines before but no fruit. Steve is already dreading the amount of pumpkin-flavoured meals that await the not too distant future, but I'm excited.

And we grew it ourselves. That's the best part.

It's not all good news in the garden. I know it sounds like it's all roses, but there are casualties too. Some things have died for no real reason, mostly just plants that don't have any food value, so it's not so heart breaking. The worst is the capsicum plants. After the Great October Garden Makeover of 2016, only one of the two transplanted capsicums survived. The one that has made it, looked like it was going great guns, nice green leaves, new shoots, growing strongly. It even put out loads of little flowers and buds, so many that I even took to plucking some off so the poor plant didn't over do itself.

Alas, though it grew at least ten or twelve capsicums, all of them have rotted on the tree. Not because I didn't pick them in time, but for some other unknown reason. Honestly, I haven't investigated it, so hopefully it's curable. Otherwise I'll just have to start again.

I've been doing other, rather unproductive, things in March too. Like watching Taiwanese dramas. This is not something I would recommend to anyone. Such a waste of time. After the last one, where I watched 40 episodes in 6 days (I was skipping parts, just so you know, and also doing things while I watched (washing up etc), so it's not all bad, just mostly bad) I was glad of the break. I think maybe I'm too task oriented to be trusted with any kind of long term TV series investment.

I've taken the kids to Lone Pine, Rocks Riverside Park, GOMA, the Science Centre (to see the turtles hatch!), the State Library. We have played with cardboard boxes, play dough, coloured in, made pizza's, cooked endless things in the sandpit and kitchen outside. Hugo loves to be a monster and chase the girls around. Sophie loves kindy, and has made a number of friends, including a little girl called Sophia Grace. Their friend Hadley, refers to them as "the Sophs".

I make lunches. Lunches with sushi, sandwiches, cheese, veggies and fruit. Lunches that get eaten and sometimes don't. That's ok, because you can't win them all.

People ask me all time, if I've cut my hair. No. It's just long enough to be annoying now, so I have to put it up. I'm seriously perplexed as to how people look at my hair that has been braided, and think that it's been cut. Maybe it's because they don't have curly hair.... Who knows. On a completely unrelated note, I've seen Beauty and the Beast twice already, and have plans for a third time (contrary to Steve's beliefs, there were lots of people that wanted to go with me). I think it's fabulous.

Now, the holidays draw closer, as does my birthday, and I look to April with excitement. Easter is nearly here! So March, with this one post, thank you. You have been wonderful, and I enjoyed living through you.

Updates on Life & Commissioned Work

Well, what is life but a crazy roller coaster of busyness? I can't believe how the last few weeks have flown, and finally today I've had the chance to sit down for a minute. What can I say? Things are busy. 

I'm officially on holidays from working full time, though not on holidays from looking after my two little girls. I did get a break last week when my sisters and I had four days in Melbourne together. This was amazing kid-free time, and wonderful sister time. We did loads of stuff together, including shopping, which is never my favourite or choice past time, but it was necessary and bearable (even, at times, fun!) with my sisters. They are ruthless shoppers, so I learn a lot with them. 

Since I've been back in Brisbane, I've continued neglecting my Cert 3 studies, though I know it can't last and enjoying free time. Before I went to Melbourne, so pretty much the end of November, Steve was super busy with work. He had a retreat and then a conference, which he was a speaker at! 

Exciting times for Steve, though it pretty much meant that all his spare time was spent working on that and there was a big crash after it was over. So much exhaustion for everyone. Steve did get to work on a game for the Hololens for the conference which was a big highlight. You can see a demo of the game here!

I'm giving myself this week to enjoy being on holidays and get my head back into gear doing things around the house and then I'll get studying again next week. I've been working on a few things around the place too, mostly sewing related and also Christmas present related which is therapeutic and wonderful. Hopefully I'll be organised enough to post about them with relative efficiency. 

I was organised enough to finish the commissioned sewing I had before the end of November. Small victories! That is a faded-out-photo-preview so that I don't spoil any Christmas excitement accidentally (small chance, but you can never be too careful). I'll write more about it after Christmas. Just know that it was done and looked very swish.

In other news, our church is going through some changes at the moment, and doing some serious thinking about the evening service. Steve and I have always gone to the evening service and have generally loved it, but they are really looking at changing things up next year. We've had lots of discussion with people in our bible study who are pretty worried about things.

I don't really know where we stand, but I'm surprisingly calm about the whole thing. I mean, things change. This world that we live in is always changing, people are doing different things. I think seeing the girls growing every day is a really good reminder of that - they are always changing, developing, grappling with new ideas and concepts. So am I. Every day there is something new to deal with, some new fine line to walk.

So, though change can be upsetting and painful, it's also ok. And no matter if we end up changing churches, or our church changes, God is the same. How I feel about Jesus is the same. At the end of the day, weather we worship in the evening, morning, with people or without, Jesus is still the life-changing miracle worker he will always be.

Ironically, last week I taught the girls a bible verse which is so accurate for this situation.

"Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

Amen.

Quiet Time

So encouraged by Hebrews this morning. God is good.

Humbled

Wednesday night is bible study  night. Probably the highlight of the week really. It's great time of hanging out with people and sharing food and talking about God. I love it.

We usually all pitch in to help out with the meal, but this week there were a few people absent, and we were a bit last minute in deciding what we were actually going to have. So I said I'd make a pasta bake, thinking I'd pick up the things I'd need from woolies after taking the kids to the library on Wednesday morning.

But I forgot. I'd packed the kids back into the car and was on the way out when I remembered. Sigh. No way was I going to go back in, get another park, unload three kids and find a trolley. Let alone push them through woolies with no snack bribery on hand.

So I resign myself to making a pasta bake out of whatever I had on hand at home. Surely I could scrounge enough to feed eight to ten people right? Someone else was bringing garlic bread, so there would be that at least to fill up on. No pressure.

On getting home, I dig out 500 grams of mince and another box of pre made pasta sauce from the freezer. I've got pasta in the cupboard. I've got carrots and zuccini in the fridge. There are tins of tomato and tomato paste in the cupboard. I don't have enough pre grated cheese, but I do have a half a block in the fridge that is easy enough to grate.

I end up with enough pasta bake to feed fifteen people.

As I'm making this, I'm really struck by how God has provided for us. He has given enough to make a last minute meal with the stuff that is just in the cupboards and fridge already! There is enough pasta bake to feed everyone with left overs. And I still have cupboards and fridge with stuff in them. It's not as though I used my very last scrap of cheese or bit of pasta even. I've still got tins and packets of food, just waiting to be used.

We have been blessed to overflowing, and yet I've somehow missed it. I've gotten complacent and demanding. I want more all the time. What I have isn't enough for some reason.

I'm reminded of the Israelites after fleeing Egypt, when God gave them manna in the desert to eat. They were instructed that they didn't need to collect more than they would need for one day, because God would always provide. The bible tells us that there were some people who disobeyed this and did collect more, but that it went bad. It's like we doubt God and feel the need to hoard to survive, rather than trust our creator.

I'm unbelievable humbled by this simple experience of God's provision for our bible study. Thank you Lord for the abundance you give us every day.

Date Night

Steve and I had a date night last Tuesday. It was his birthday present. I got us tickets to see Les Miserables at QPAC. It was pretty phenomenal, even from the very back row of the top balcony. Being that far back really makes you appreciate the costume designer, because with out those signature colours or dress styles, it would be really difficult to identify the characters at such a distance.

I love Les Miserables. It's what I grew up listening to, and what I resonated with in my strange depressed teenage years. Even now, I love the musicality, and the general genius of the scoring. Each time I hear the motifs and themes I am taken to the revolution.

Steve was more excited about seeing it live than I was actually. I mean, I knew it'd be good, but I was a little hesitant because of a) the hype and b) the expense. But I'm well pleased that I was convinced to get him the tickets for his birthday, because we both loved it. Sometimes a night out is worth dipping into those savings.

Steve and I were talking after about how similar the music is for Jean Valjean and Javert when they have their crucial character dilemmas. I've been thinking about it more too. Jean Valjean and Javert are both offered life when all they expect is death. They are both offered freedom, when they deserve jail. What they do with what they are given though, is entirely different.

While Jean Valjean, when offered the chance at freedom decides to take it and live his life always repaying the memory of the one who gave him the freedom, Javert cannot bear to live with the idea of his undeserved life. I think about this too in relation to what God offers us. Sometimes I want to take what he has given and do my best with it, and other days, I just can't handle what he has been so abundant with. Why would he give me life, when I deserve death?

It's too much for me to take.

I guess I don't really know where I'm going with this. Just that I'm thankful for what God has given me and I'm trying my best with it. Last Tuesday was a great reminder that.

Ten Years Ago

Blog milestone. Posting for ten years.

I almost can't believe it. Has that much time really passed? And look how far I've come! I use full sentences and correct spelling and grammar. Please do not go back and read those early posts. In fact, I'd stay away from all of 2005 entirely, and probably even the start of 2006. I don't know what I was thinking. But now, I use titles, and labels. Have pictures and coherent sentences. So good.

At the same time, I feel like I'm still that teenager figuring things out. Trusting in God to take me where he needs me to go, knowing that I'm going to make a million stupid mistakes along the way. No matter how much I wish that I would just get it right now, I've got loads more learning to do.

Here I am at twenty nine. Husband, house, two kids. And yet, not everything is together. Some days I want to stay in bed because it seems safer there. I wonder if I'll be blogging in another ten years, or if I'll have given it up entirely. Maybe I'll be more interesting then, or talk less about sewing. Ha, that's not going to happen.

Anyway, while I want to be all introspective and cool, and recognise this somewhat significant day, the reality is that I'm sick and sleep deprived. The kids have just gone down for a nap and I should do the same thing.

If you've been reading since the beginning - thanks for staying with me! If you've joined somewhere else along the ride, I hope you stick around. I have enjoyed blogging; getting my thoughts out of my head and into the unknown where someone may or may not read them. It's been a challenge and it's been fun, so for now, I'll keep it up.