"Sin is the monster we love to deny.

It can stalk us, bite a slice out of our lives, return again and bite again, and even as we bleed and hobble, we prefer to believe nothing has happened. That makes sin the perfect monster, a man-eater that blinds and numbs its victims, convincing them that nothing is wrong and there is no need to flee, and then consumes them at its leisure.

We've all been assailed by this beast, sometimes face-to-face, but all too often from a direction we aren't even preapred to defend, and it's only in recognizing the beast for what it is that we can hope to escape at all. In Jesus Christ we are forgiven and empowered to overcome sin, but opening the door and tossing the beast kitchen scraps of our character is no way to drive it off. Toying with an animal that is actually toying with us is a sure way to lose part of ourselves.

I was watching it happen to some friends of mine thea year I began writing 'The Oath'. As the rest of us just kept on praising the Lord, loving one another, smiling and trying not to be judgemental, some really good people walked stupidly, blindly into the jaws of sin. The tooth marks still show today, in ruined marriages and soiled ministries. The rest of us should have said something.

In 'The Oath', I tried to say somethign through a vicioous drama. I gave sin a form, an identifiable embodiment hellbent to comsume the hero. I chose an obscure, remote setting because sin shies from examination just as vermin flee from the light, and in this place, there are no rules. Denial is easy, and sin is protected. The consequences, of course, play out just as they do in so many real lives: we've all see friends, relatives, and fellow believers dragged out the door by a pet that got too big to control. Some have manged to come back, bleeding and bruised, hopefully healing and wiser. Some have never come back at all. And some of us have been there.

'The Oath' is a story we've all had a part in, to one degree or another. And years later, it still cries out the same warning God gave Cain: "Sin is crouching at the door, and it wants you, but you must overcome it." "

-- Frank Peretti
From the Introduction to 'The Oath' 2003

Weee I'm 2 years old today!! Happy Birthday to me!!

and all i can really feel i can say is:

"God is amazing"

Not only was sunday night live about baptizims and new life, which reminded me of how my life was new when i became christian, but one of the guys who got baptized mentioned that finding out about sunday night live to start with defintly helped.

I didn't feel like "woo hoo, everyone can see what a great Christian i am" at all. all i coudl feel was "Wow, God is still using me, 2 years on."

Dispite the times when i have felt down and that God can't possibly be using me and I'm doing a terrible job and i feel a zillion miles away from God, He is still with me, every step, and he is still using me for His work, even when i dont realise it.

Thank you so much Lord, for making my life have meaning and using me though sometimes i don't think i'm doing a good job of being Your child.

Never doubt that God is using you for his work. Where ever you are, whatever you are doing, God is using you for His kingdom. Rejoice always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances, becuase no matter where you are, even the smallest act or word can change someones life forever.

"Whatever Paula, your life is too complicated"

Snap

I'm just trying to do my best here, but somehow, even that isn't good enough. The wearyness has set in and here at uni at 8:24 am, i'm oh so ready to go home and go to bed and sleep untill the world is finished and i don't have to deal with it any more.

Is it my fault that there arent 36 hours in a day? is it really up to me to cancel things i have already paid for so i can go to one dinner? has my life faded away from some people and is it my fault they are feeling left out?

News flash - the way things are is not going to be the way they always are. things are going to change. and it's not my fault. You can't blame me for not having spare time, and you can't blame me for your job putting you on a night you wanted to go out, and you can't even blame the "steve-factor". don't even try.

I'm sorry Lord, but I'm finding life just a little hard right now.

I wanted so much to be angry and spend this whole post ranting, but walking home last night, i realised, in some cruel irony, that i don't actually have the time to be angry. Ha. *sigh*

"I won't give up, cos You don't give up on me"

Ok Lord i'll try my best but i really think i'm going to need your help. There is just no way i'm going to make it on my own.

Anyway, time to make some sense i reckon. I can't please everyone, and running around trying to is only making me busier and making it hurt more when people blame me for not being super woman. So I've decided that at least untill the April holidays are over, I'm going to be staying home during the week.

No dancing on mondays, no Rock-climbing on wednesdays, no chruch on tuesday nights. Time for Paula to recouperate and just try surviving for a while.

Thanks to all thoes people who have watched me cry and then fed me ice cream to make things better. you rule. :)

hey guys, sorry its another copied and pasted email. times getting short and there is no other way (only 2 days left!!! :( sadness in extreem measures)

Hey Dad

Hehehe, you seem to want to ring quite often but always seem to not because you think im going to not be home... well its a good thing i guess, beucause im not often home... hehehe. ill be home tonight... after 10 or so i guess.... ehhehe

Steves getting enough rest and is feeling much ebtter. he breathed on me too much in the train and gave me his cold, i took some fancy japanese drugs though and im feeling fine. ;)

Went to school on monday, the teachers stuffed up the times and instead of watching a farewell thing, i got to watch bowing practice. :p fairly boring. i got to see my firneds htough. they were shocked that i had come back to see them. i gave them the purikura that steve and i took. hehhe so funny.

Tuesday Steve and i went to disney sea with Kana and yuki. haruka was oging to come but she was feeling sick. :( sadness. we had fun though, it wa sa long day. i got steve some nemo boxers... hehehe. i got mum some cooking stuff and steve got me some chocolates. hehehe

Glad eveyrones got their post cards. you know the reason you didnt get one. :P besides - why would you want a post card when you get emials!!!

Wednesday we out wiht jun and yuki to karaoke and then bowling at night with robert and michiko as well. it was fun. Steve sang at karaoke too and then we put on "come fly with me" by cranky franky and had a dance in teh karaoke room. :) that was fun.

on thursday it was graduation so we went to shcool. graduation was long and boring, but i got to see my friends and take photos with them. good thing i bougth steve or i would have no one to take the photos. :) my friends thought he looked very similar to me... like my brother!! :p　:p!!

Okaasan was out later than me on thursday night becuase steve and i met up with Shino and then out for an early dinner while she partied all night with the parents!! she caught a LATER train!! Kana didnt even come home....

Steve says your crazy for traveling so much. NZ and Japan in one YEAR!!!?? hes jelous ;) still we are having a blast! dont wnat to come home!!

today was clear and they are forcasting blue skys for tomomrrow - fingers crossed ti stays that way becuase we want to see Fuji san!! We went back out to Yokohama today and ate some chinese food. v. yum. and then went and got steve some yukatta material - he wants me to make him one!! heheh eyeah!!!

Tonight we are going to an onsen. ;)

Umm... we will be home i guess on mondy mornign sometime. mums got the flight details. if we anret there, assume weve missed the plane and you'll hear from us when we decided its safe to emerge from the underground.

Love you all!

Steve and I have been busy. recently we spent 2 days at my friends house, where we played cards and ate food and drank tea. Steve also developed a cold, and spent alot of the time lying down asleep.

When we showed My friends mum the purikura (sticker photos) and she said that steve looks like Perice Brosnon... form JAMES BOND!! hahaha cracks me up... but i guess that makes me a bond girl ;) hehehehe. incidently - did another Bond movie recnelty come out? Steve and i saw a sign yesterday.... how did i not know abotu this!!??

moving on... the rest of this post is a copied and pasted email to my father. becuase he likes to email me when im away and considering i tell him most things, and i cant be bothered retype it all - i thought id stick the email here.

Hello Father Dearest

yesterday Steve and i slept in and then watched MI2 and then went into tokyo. we went up tokyo tower, which i am never going up again on a saturday beacuse japanese families seem to think a fun day out is going to tokyo tower and hence it was packed as. Steve and i went all the way up, and though there were only a few clouds and the sun was shining though, we didnt see fuji san :(

then we went to akihabara. Your dearest daughter walked all over that place in search for the trian shop for you and didnt give up untill she had found it - be gratefull! Steve and I got all your train stuff no worries and i got you a little somethign extra that i hope you will like. :) all up it was 26409 Yen.

After that we went to Harajuku - mums favirote place i believe - and ate a creape :) then we met Regan for dinner at Shinjuku - which was packed as. it was so cool to see regan, he was top stuff. we took purikuru - siticker photos!! and then went to karaoke. karaoke was fun as. I caught the last train home to Fusa and okaasan picked me up from there.

humm meat pies... havent had one of thoes for a while. the japanese food is SO good! last night we had katsudon and beore that i had okunomiyaki!! YUM!!

No luck with the rain, it was clear yesterday and today its comming down. well not so bad, but there are alot of clouds which makes fuji san pointless. Steve still wants to go cos all he wants to do is see the snow, but the rest of us are like... um... no. :) we are probably goign to go next saturday.

Steve is alot better, we are going shopping today with Okaasan and michiko. hopefully i will find some yukatta material. Kiyose`s mum rang Sanki (japanese lincraft) for me and said that they have some, so hopefully we will find it!

ouch! fiona sounds like shes going to be run down before uni starts! i hope shes getting over time. please tell her i say hi!

I havent had a chance to give happy a walk yet. maybe today. every morning she joins me for breakfast, we have bread. Happy likes plain bread, i like bread with butter. :)

the bad news about School on monday is that Steve cant come, but he said hes going to cruise around kashiwa instead, so its all good. silly school... japanese ppl, they are either super orginised or compleatly disorginsied. it is really confusing.

anyway id better go. its almost 11 and i think okaasan and i are picking up steve and Michiko to go shopping in about a half hour. BYE!

ahh well, i try my best. :)

today was a hot 14 degrees and the sun was out and shining. very nice day really. we traind out to kamakura, which is like the beach up here in tokyo and then walked around for ages, saw a big buddah and then walked around some more. in the afternoon, we went to yokohama and walked some more. it was alot of walking and now, my feet are sore. my homestay mum was most unimpressed that we didnt really eat lunch, i should really try lying to her, becuase she gets very worried hwen i say things like `oh we had an ice cream...` hehehe.

michiko thinks i have lost weight (along with eveyrone else here) and wants to feed me japanese food to recitify the situation. at this rate they arent going to let me back on the plane :P

*sigh* i had so much more to writ,e but ive already said alot of this stuff like 3 times and i dont wnat ot repeate myself :P ahh i`ve got intorvertedness!! save me!!

anyway htings are good, im tried and im looking forward to the sleep in tomorrow before we go to kiyosez`s house for a sleep over :) love you lots!

update 2 : i am steve`s poor dyslexic girlfriend.... *sigh* i`m ok with that. :)

today we went to asakusa and it was cold and raining but despite the fact that my jeans ended up with 30cm of water in the bottom, we had a great time. asakusa is one of my fav places in japan! so many memories. (i can`t believe how well we can type like this, ridiculous as it is...)

steve is amazed by the efficientness of everything here. i am feeling at home but he is still taking everything in for the first time.

tomorrow we will go to narita and we hope melissa is impressed by the, so far, daily updates (on this blog anyway) :)

love you all!!!!

Hello wonderful Australians!!

I AM IN JAPAN!!!

woo hoo!! plane flight was ok. saw just like heaven and Zoro 2 which both had japanese dubbing and during Zoro 2 i got a headache form continually translating. ;P otherwise ok flight. got a bit high on sugar. :D

got to the airport in japan and my homestay parents had mixed up the times... so we waited 3 hours for them. but its all good, im home now. happy is happy.

tomorrow we go to asakusa (hopefully) with regan :)

for now, its 11:30 japan time and im tried so goodnight!

woo hoo, no more donut king for at least 2 weeks!! yeah!!

incidently when i was working my last shift and patrice was doing the worst job of closing ever, the song "Forever Young" kept coming on the raido, and i dotn mind that in the slightest becuase i like that song, but it made me think, becuase the lyrics were "I dont want to live forever... forever young, i want to be forever young"

and that to me is a bit depressing, becuase yeah i dont want to live forever here, id rather live in heaven with God whre i can have the perfect relationship with him! but also, if i were forever young... then id never get any closer to God.... like... the way i see it, the older i get - the closer i get to Christ. the more i grow up, the more i become like Him. and who doesnt wnat that?

So bring on 20 and 2 happy birthday to me, another year over another year closer to really going home.

humm, i didnt realise people checked my blog so often, and now i feel bad that i dont update very often. sorry guys!

at the moment it is a humid tuesday morning in the fantastic city of brisvagas, my dad has just fixed my draw, i have to go to work in 3 hours and hotmail is refusing to attach anything. i took maiko dancing last night. she is here for a mth, but i leave to go to Japan in 5 days! that is probably the most exciting thing in my life at the moment. i cant believe ill soon be in japan.

Josh is telling me that in my song, the chorus doesnt start where i think it does... how bizzar, i think i woudl know - i wrote the song!! :P anyway i went on a student life camp last week and it was very cool. i think everyone shoudl go join studnet life. its a cool group to be in.

Amy and i went shopping yestserday. i guess ive been meaning to for a while, but Amy got me while i was impressionable and i ended up shopping for 4 hours and now my hair is purple. ... its interesting. im over it already. glad its only 8 washes. i have to go to work today, and thursday. so i think ill clean my room and pack on friday! yeah!! packing!!

btw, happy single persons day!

Watching the Pride and Predjudice trailer, i noticed that Jane Austin is refred to as "the Beloved Author" which got me thinking... was she really that great? the thing is, we refer to her as the beloved author because we love her books, so we feel we must love her. that she has created books that we love makes us feel that she must have been a splendid person.

it leads me to the question if we love the creation - do we always love the creator? and if we dont; why not?

The world we live in is God's creation. Every person, ever plant, every breath you take is God. how is it that so many people can live in this creation, but not see the beauty and hence the glory of the Creator? how is it that so many people take for granted so much of this world and trash so much of this world when all it is is beautiful creation?

is it possible to love the creation but not the creator?

this question just makes me feel we are all walking around with our eyes closed, so we dont see...

cool as Zoegirl lyrics :D

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a bandage on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
I don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream

You wouldn't know it
But this is true love
I didn't feel butterflies
Or feel electric sparks
I didn't hear the bells ring
Or even church bells chime

All I felt was love and care
The ultimate sacrifice, forever

True love was continual giving
True love was sacrifice
True love was 39 lashes
And true love was nail pierced hands

All I feel is shame and grief
As I see my true love die
his ultimate sacrifice for me
true love is sacrifice

true love loved me before I cared
before I even know
true love died while I still sinned
and true love left the choice to me
to step up and take the offered love
or refuse and push the scarred hand away

and yet
true love still waits for me
no matter how far I stray

when i got to work very early on saturday, i had enough time to clean under the dishwasher and under the fridge and under the coke fridge as well! and when i did the last thing, i found this 1 000 000 dollar bill from america. wahts the bet its a fake :P dam

anyway, it says (as, i believe, do all american notes) "In God we trust" which is 100% cool. but this note also has (which i am failry sure standard american notes dont have) is a message round the side.

"The million dollar questions: Will you go to heaven? Here's a quick test. Have you ever told a lie, stolen anything, or used God's name in vain? Jesus said. "Whoever looks apon a woman wto lust after her has committed adulteryu already with her in his heart". Have you looked with lust? Will you be guilty on Judgment Day? If you have done thoes things God sees as lying, thieving, blasphemous, aldlterer at heart. The bible warns that if you are guilty you will end up in Hell. That's not Gods will. He sent His Son to suffer and die on the corss for you. Jesus took your punishment opon himself "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, bit have everlasting life." Then He rose from the head and defeated death. Please, repent (turn from sin) today and trust in Jesus, and God will grant you everlasting life. Then, read your bible daily and obey it. www.wayoftheMaster.com"

pretty cool hey?

when i woke up this morning at 5:15 and thought "i have to walk to work!" i was wrong, and i got to sleep for another hour!! wonderful! then i got up and ready and walked to work. in the hot sun. but i got to work 20 mins early! what a belssing, cos the close was pretty crap.

sadly however, when it got to 9:15 and half of the things i was supposed to have done were still not done cos i was serving, things started to look alot worse. and then when it got to 9:40 and no one had turned up to help me, they went down hill very fast. not only was i so busy serving i couldnt finish the open (ie pack dounts into boxes, put price tags up) i was so busy serving i couldnt call whoever was supposed to come in and get them to come in, or even call other ppl in earlier. i called upstairs, but they had a broken froz coke machine that had flooded their shop.

finally, when a lovley lady tried to talk to me at coffee, i lost it and started crying. right there in fount of the coffee machine. i have never been so exausted in my life and the only thing i could do was keep workign and cry. and any time some one asks me abotu it, or if im ok, i just cry again. (subliminal message here: dont ask me about it, i have no wish to cry any more). even now, as i sit here and type this im crying.

All i can say is that God provides everythign you need, and though my weekness he made me strong. God gave me what i could handle and nothign more. when i really couldnt take it, He provided a set of nice customers who asked what they could do (eg put donuts away) and one who was even nice enough to ring shaun for me and ask him for help. God also made sure nothing broke while i was franticly working away, He made sure i hadnt forgottne to turn anything on that morning, and He froze my ipod on the way to work so that when i turned it back on i woudl put the worship play list on. (incidently, He also provides a fairly good boss, who know the right thing to say to the people who didnt come in to make sure they did come in, for instance, "if you want a job on monday, you need to come in now" which worked wonders compared with my "you need to come in cos you ahve a responsibility and im stressed!" which failied quite misrably. (thanks God, for shauney, who is also giving me an extra hours pay for the stress i was under :)))

now, its time for me to go to sleep and try to recover a little bit before tomorrow at work. but as i sit here, dry eyed (finally!) id just like to say (in a great subliminal message :P) that im exausted, but mostly, im worried about my best friend. she hasnt talked to me for a very long time. and it feels like, she doesnt want to. sure shes an introvert, but i hope she realises that soon, introvert or not, not talking to people is going to hurt thoes who are waiting. God didnt put us in this world alone, but together.

Thankfully God uses imprefect people, otherwise nothing would get done. and today, though my stressful, tearfull and all round exausting experince at work, i know that He is the one who is strengthening me, ready for His use in the furture.

John works full time at a software company. and he asked if i was still at school :P

what a compleatly random post :P honestly i think posts are ways to communicate with the people you know who read them by hiding subliminal messages in them.

today on my day off, i woke up with a splitting head ache. and then the phone rang and i jumped out of bed to get it befor it woke fiona up. then i had a funny conversation wiht someone who didnt say her name but seemed to think sarah was still going out with ben... now the washing is 12 minuets off being done which means i have to go out and find the basket and then put antoher load on. no worries.

incidently, john says i created a new move by almost falling over while we were dancing last night....

Heart Of Worship

when the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless your heart

i bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it
when it's all about you
it's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth
no one could express
how much you deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is yours
every single breath

I wrote a song. I was supposed to be studying, but everything that has been happening lately, everything on my mind just got to me and I wrote a song. Even then, at least I was doing something. After that, I was playing tetris which almost completely equates to doing nothing.

So long I have wanted to post, but every time I just write crap about life and its not even worth me typing. Then when I type about God, everything matters. Its all important.

So now, I just want to know God, what is Your plan for me? Honestly I don't know what to do and I feel like anything I do will just be so silly and will end up making things worse. I just want you to take over and do things Your way. I'm sick of trying it my way cos honestly I'm stumbling around blind.

I'm such a child and that's exactly how I feel now. Like I'm reaching for the chocolate jar on the shelf but I'm too short to reach it.

Can You give me what I'm looking for? Can You give me the knowing inside me of which decision is the right one? All I ask right now if for You to give me all I need.

Could you show me,
The way to go?
Will you answer my prayer?
Can you help me
I'm longing to know
Are you really there?

I was watching "30 days" last night. its a show where they take soemone out of their ususal environment and put them somewhere else for 30 days to give them a new perspective. last night, they took an american guy and put him in a muslim community for 30 days. it was intersting.

Got me thinking abotu the difference between other religons and Christianity. God doenst say to us "if you forfill this criteria, (eg wear a hat, pray heaps, go to church, eat certain food) then you can come to heaven." The first thing God said to me was: "I love you so much"

"I love you so much
I love you so much I created you in My image
I love you so much I made plans for your life
I love you so much I made sure you could get into eternity
I love you so much I am preparing you for eternity now
I love you so much that one day you will be in eternity with Me"

And thats just the start.


I guess the question now is: "how do we respond to a love like that?"

"Over the mountians and the seas
Your river runs with love for me
And i will open up my heart
And let the Healer set me free

Im happy to be in the truth
And i will daily lift my hands
For i will always sing
Of when your love came down

I will sing of Your love forever"

wow! 20 posts go me! :D ok so im not here to post much right now, in fact im jsut going to paste and copy song lyrics, but none the less, it has to be done. :D these are great :D by Hawk Nelson - im so impressed. and i know as you read you might think... is she ok? but really its not how im feeling - its just an awesom song (even awesomer with music :D) anwyay enough of me babaling on, i have to go write some kick ass story, please enjoy these great lyrics :D

Can you hear me? Does anyone around me
Feel the way that I feel now?
Cause from the window where I sometimes cry
I just want to see Your face tonight
And I’m willing to lose everything I am

Cause I need you more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ve been going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone anymore

When You’re near me, I feel like I just found me
In the traces of the boy from yesterday
But in a world that is so black and white
I will take the steps to change my life
And I won’t be coming back to here again

I need Your loving hand to guide me
Through the maze of all the things inside me
Then I’ll know that I’m alright

Cause I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ll be going wrong so far

Tale me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not along anymore
Please help me get from worse to better
Before these tears soak through this lonely sweater
And let me know that I’m alright
I still have one strike of this match left
And I’m holding on to my last breath
And its getting a little dark around to see here

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone

And You’ll be here forever, forever You’ll stay
And You promised to love me, You’ll love me always
You’ll love me for always, You’ll love me for always
Always