Thoughts and Previews

The girls have been sick lately. Rachel most of all - she came home from school one Thursday, was in bed by 3:30 and pretty much slept solidly for three days. Wouldn't even come out to watch a movie or read a book. It was pretty nuts. Suffice to say, we cancelled all plans that weekend and sat around at home. Sophie came down with something similar (though not as bad) the following week, so we had another weekend of laying low and resting week. 

As part of laying low, I did some reading, but also re-started chipping away at a sewing project. I've had this in the "work in progress" box for at least two years, and it's really bugging me now, so I'm making a concerted effort to get it done. It's intended to be a present, so I don't want to give too much away on it. 

But as I sat there at my sewing machine, I was wondering to myself; is this really what I should be doing? Is this the most important way to be spending my time right now? I mean, I had pretty much an entire day free, surely there was something else? 

I can't say I thought too much more about what else I could have been doing, though I'm sure there were worthy options, but my impulse response was to decide that the best thing I could do would be to finish this project as quickly as possible, and thus not have to deal with the conundrum again. Not sure that was the wisest decision, since three hours later I was so deep and focused on the sewing I clean forgot that we needed to pick Rachel up from a Guide camp (luckily Steve remembered and went for me). 

I'm finding though, that recently I've got a lot more of these existential crisis thoughts going on. Am I where I need to be? Doing what is meaningful? What is the legacy I'm leaving? Is anything I do having a lasting impact, or is it all pointless anyway? 

When I turned 25 I remember feeling funny about a quarter of a century. 30 actually felt great - lots of clarity and wisdom about things I never realised before. 40 feels much more like things might be falling apart. That I'm about to start dealing with the consequences of bad choices and that I don't have the time or ability to fix things anyway. Some days the future looks good - I've got the resources and know how to keep going, make positive impact and change things, while other days seem like there really is no point to it at all. 

In reflection too, I find that a lot of my choice activities of late have felt withdrawn or isolated. Reading, walking, sewing. Contrasted to our six months in Japan last year, when even our "chill at home days" were very together as a family (D&D). On one had I miss that, but obviously I don't feel like we would be able to recapture the same kind of (for want of better word) vibes now. That was obviously a very unique set of circumstances that led to those times.  

Anyway, instead of dwelling on these (probably totally normal) thoughts, I will just go back to my sewing project and the isolated enjoyment it offers, and tell myself that it's only for a season.