Under the Surface

People ask me how the holidays were, and I honestly struggle to answer. Sure they were, on the whole, good; restful even. I got time at home, time with the girls, time with Steve. We had day trips to South Bank, and park play dates with friends. I made a table, oiled the deck, sewed a jacket. There was delicious dinners and fun lunches. 

But there were also moment of discontent. Of frustration and annoyance. Of feeling like things were not quite right. On top, we were doing fine, but under the surface I was feeling unsettled. The truth is, when someone asks how it was, there is never a good way to bring this side of things up. 

I think this feeling is pretty normal, and I'm happy to say that even though I have felt like this before, I know it will pass. The sun rises and sets, the days turn into weeks and if I keep my feet moving forward, somehow, I walk out of this unrest and into feeling content again. 

This is part of life that reminds me that what I have here and now isn't perfect. It's not what we are made for. What I'm experiencing is brokenness. Like I've turned the bowl and discovered a chip on one side, reminding me that I'm not always patient and kind or gracious and self controlled. 

The difficulty is expressing this discontent in a way that isn't complaining. That isn't morose and depressing. It's just a part of life, but for some reason, it's inexplicably hard to engage with or share. 

So yes, the holidays were good, but I was also not quite right for most of it. And that's ok. These moments remind me that this life will always be a little less than what we are dreaming for. My heart is longing for the day of perfection which is yet to come. In the mean time, Jesus tells me the kingdom is here and now, and that if I come and lay my burdens down, he will give me rest.