"Sin is the monster we love to deny.

It can stalk us, bite a slice out of our lives, return again and bite again, and even as we bleed and hobble, we prefer to believe nothing has happened. That makes sin the perfect monster, a man-eater that blinds and numbs its victims, convincing them that nothing is wrong and there is no need to flee, and then consumes them at its leisure.

We've all been assailed by this beast, sometimes face-to-face, but all too often from a direction we aren't even preapred to defend, and it's only in recognizing the beast for what it is that we can hope to escape at all. In Jesus Christ we are forgiven and empowered to overcome sin, but opening the door and tossing the beast kitchen scraps of our character is no way to drive it off. Toying with an animal that is actually toying with us is a sure way to lose part of ourselves.

I was watching it happen to some friends of mine thea year I began writing 'The Oath'. As the rest of us just kept on praising the Lord, loving one another, smiling and trying not to be judgemental, some really good people walked stupidly, blindly into the jaws of sin. The tooth marks still show today, in ruined marriages and soiled ministries. The rest of us should have said something.

In 'The Oath', I tried to say somethign through a vicioous drama. I gave sin a form, an identifiable embodiment hellbent to comsume the hero. I chose an obscure, remote setting because sin shies from examination just as vermin flee from the light, and in this place, there are no rules. Denial is easy, and sin is protected. The consequences, of course, play out just as they do in so many real lives: we've all see friends, relatives, and fellow believers dragged out the door by a pet that got too big to control. Some have manged to come back, bleeding and bruised, hopefully healing and wiser. Some have never come back at all. And some of us have been there.

'The Oath' is a story we've all had a part in, to one degree or another. And years later, it still cries out the same warning God gave Cain: "Sin is crouching at the door, and it wants you, but you must overcome it." "

-- Frank Peretti
From the Introduction to 'The Oath' 2003

Weee I'm 2 years old today!! Happy Birthday to me!!

and all i can really feel i can say is:

"God is amazing"

Not only was sunday night live about baptizims and new life, which reminded me of how my life was new when i became christian, but one of the guys who got baptized mentioned that finding out about sunday night live to start with defintly helped.

I didn't feel like "woo hoo, everyone can see what a great Christian i am" at all. all i coudl feel was "Wow, God is still using me, 2 years on."

Dispite the times when i have felt down and that God can't possibly be using me and I'm doing a terrible job and i feel a zillion miles away from God, He is still with me, every step, and he is still using me for His work, even when i dont realise it.

Thank you so much Lord, for making my life have meaning and using me though sometimes i don't think i'm doing a good job of being Your child.

Never doubt that God is using you for his work. Where ever you are, whatever you are doing, God is using you for His kingdom. Rejoice always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances, becuase no matter where you are, even the smallest act or word can change someones life forever.

"Whatever Paula, your life is too complicated"

Snap

I'm just trying to do my best here, but somehow, even that isn't good enough. The wearyness has set in and here at uni at 8:24 am, i'm oh so ready to go home and go to bed and sleep untill the world is finished and i don't have to deal with it any more.

Is it my fault that there arent 36 hours in a day? is it really up to me to cancel things i have already paid for so i can go to one dinner? has my life faded away from some people and is it my fault they are feeling left out?

News flash - the way things are is not going to be the way they always are. things are going to change. and it's not my fault. You can't blame me for not having spare time, and you can't blame me for your job putting you on a night you wanted to go out, and you can't even blame the "steve-factor". don't even try.

I'm sorry Lord, but I'm finding life just a little hard right now.

I wanted so much to be angry and spend this whole post ranting, but walking home last night, i realised, in some cruel irony, that i don't actually have the time to be angry. Ha. *sigh*

"I won't give up, cos You don't give up on me"

Ok Lord i'll try my best but i really think i'm going to need your help. There is just no way i'm going to make it on my own.

Anyway, time to make some sense i reckon. I can't please everyone, and running around trying to is only making me busier and making it hurt more when people blame me for not being super woman. So I've decided that at least untill the April holidays are over, I'm going to be staying home during the week.

No dancing on mondays, no Rock-climbing on wednesdays, no chruch on tuesday nights. Time for Paula to recouperate and just try surviving for a while.

Thanks to all thoes people who have watched me cry and then fed me ice cream to make things better. you rule. :)

hey guys, sorry its another copied and pasted email. times getting short and there is no other way (only 2 days left!!! :( sadness in extreem measures)

Hey Dad

Hehehe, you seem to want to ring quite often but always seem to not because you think im going to not be home... well its a good thing i guess, beucause im not often home... hehehe. ill be home tonight... after 10 or so i guess.... ehhehe

Steves getting enough rest and is feeling much ebtter. he breathed on me too much in the train and gave me his cold, i took some fancy japanese drugs though and im feeling fine. ;)

Went to school on monday, the teachers stuffed up the times and instead of watching a farewell thing, i got to watch bowing practice. :p fairly boring. i got to see my firneds htough. they were shocked that i had come back to see them. i gave them the purikura that steve and i took. hehhe so funny.

Tuesday Steve and i went to disney sea with Kana and yuki. haruka was oging to come but she was feeling sick. :( sadness. we had fun though, it wa sa long day. i got steve some nemo boxers... hehehe. i got mum some cooking stuff and steve got me some chocolates. hehehe

Glad eveyrones got their post cards. you know the reason you didnt get one. :P besides - why would you want a post card when you get emials!!!

Wednesday we out wiht jun and yuki to karaoke and then bowling at night with robert and michiko as well. it was fun. Steve sang at karaoke too and then we put on "come fly with me" by cranky franky and had a dance in teh karaoke room. :) that was fun.

on thursday it was graduation so we went to shcool. graduation was long and boring, but i got to see my friends and take photos with them. good thing i bougth steve or i would have no one to take the photos. :) my friends thought he looked very similar to me... like my brother!! :p　:p!!

Okaasan was out later than me on thursday night becuase steve and i met up with Shino and then out for an early dinner while she partied all night with the parents!! she caught a LATER train!! Kana didnt even come home....

Steve says your crazy for traveling so much. NZ and Japan in one YEAR!!!?? hes jelous ;) still we are having a blast! dont wnat to come home!!

today was clear and they are forcasting blue skys for tomomrrow - fingers crossed ti stays that way becuase we want to see Fuji san!! We went back out to Yokohama today and ate some chinese food. v. yum. and then went and got steve some yukatta material - he wants me to make him one!! heheh eyeah!!!

Tonight we are going to an onsen. ;)

Umm... we will be home i guess on mondy mornign sometime. mums got the flight details. if we anret there, assume weve missed the plane and you'll hear from us when we decided its safe to emerge from the underground.

Love you all!